The Beeble
By Eric Monk
Jacob heard how the sons of Laban talked disdainfully of him, saying that he had taken all that was there fathers and he also felt Laban’s attitude towards him change for the worse. Fortunately, Gad at that point told him to return to his home country. So he gathered Rachel and Leah and spoke to them: “Have you also felt how the atmosphere here has changed for the worse? I don’t think we are welcome anymore. You know how much I’ve worked for your father and how he cheated me again and again, always changing what he would give me for my work. But he himself said that all the spotted and speckled cattle would be my wages, and thus Gad has helped me in my witchcraft and given me all the good cattle of your fathers. One night when I was sleeping, an angel visited me after some crazy dreams of rams leaping upon cattle. The angel said that I should return to my home country.” The women took a moment to consider this before one of them asked: “But is there anything left that we should inherit from our father?” “Woman, don’t be a fool” Jacob responded harshly “You are strangers to him. He sold you! You have inherited what Gad wanted you to inherit.”
Before they ran, Rachel stole her fathers religious relics (images), and then they all sat course for mount Gilead. They crossed the river, and not until three days after their escape was it brought to the attention of Laban. Laban wasn’t about to just let Jacob go, so he gathered his brethren and sat off after Jacob and his flock. They caught up with Jacob after seven days. Gad spoke to Laban in a dream just before they caught up with Jacob and told Laban not to speak to Jacob, neither good nor bad.
They found Jacobs tent and Laban entered to talk to him. “What the hell are you doing, man, running away like that? Taking my daughters away as hostages. Why didn’t you just say something? I would have sent you off in style, with a party and everything. I didn’t even get so kiss my children and grandchildren goodbye. It’s in my power to hurt you now, but your Gad told me not to speak to you neither good nor bad.” Jacob looked confused and said: “Then what are you doing now? Aren’t you speaking to me?” Laban ignored him and continued: “It’s fine that you suddenly had the urge to go home, but why have you stolen my gods?” Jacob answered: “I left in a hurry without telling you because I was afraid that you would take back you daughters, my wives, by force. And I don’t know anything about having stolen your gods, but search our things and kill whoever holds them.” Jacob didn’t know that Rachel were the one who had stolen the images. Laban looked through Leah’s tent and the maidens’ tents and then in Rachel’s tent, but Rachel had hidden the images in the camel furniture and sat upon it. She said: “I’m sorry for not getting up, father, but you know how it is. All that etiquette forbidding me to get off this camel for you”
Jacob was quite upset with Laban when Laban couldn’t find the images: “What is my crime? Why is it that you have ridden after me like this? You’ve searched all our stuff – where are the things you accuse us of stealing from you?” “Sorry Jacob, I..” “For twenty years I worked my ass off for you – and I don’t mean my donkey! I worked 14 years for your two daughters and six years for cattle and you changed my wages ten times!” “To be fair it was only one time and then I kinda tricked you once..” mumbled Laban, but Jacob continued: “When cattle was lost, you took it from my wages. I lost cattle in the drought at daytime and in the frost at night. It was stolen and killed by beasts. And all those times it came out of my wages! And I’m pretty sure that you would have sent me off with nothing, had I not been told by Gad to escape. Laban answered: “These daughters are my daughters and their children and all the cattle and everything you see here is mine! ..But what can I do to my daughters or their children.. Screw it – let’s make a covenant, right here, you and I.” Jacob agreed and they gathered stones in a heap to act as a witness and Laban said: “No hurting my daughters, and don’t even think of taking more wives besides my daughters” “And their handmaidens..” Jacob mumbled under his breath. That night they celebrated and the next morning Laban kissed his children and then went back to his home.
No More Bullfeces 