The Beeble: 32 Genesis

The Beeble
By Eric Monk

Jacob went on his way again, glad to have put all that fuzz with Laban behind him. On his way, he suddenly met Gad’s angels, who were just chilling out next to the road. He waved at them and kept going and decided to call that spot Mahanaim.

“Just like that? No talking with the angels or anything? Isn’t Jacob rather jaded if he can just walk past angels like that?” “Well yes, he is getting used to talking with Gad and his angels. He’s just too cool to care.”

Jacob sent messengers ahead of him to his brother Esau and told them to say as follows: “Your servant, Jacob, have been staying at Laban’s until now. He’s got animals and slaves and sent us to let you know so that you may not be angry with him, but greet him and all his stuff with open arms.” The messengers returned, relieved not to have awoken Esau’s wrath and gotten killed, and told Jacob that Esau was riding out to meet him. Not alone, but with 400 men. Jacob did not like the sound of that at all and was very afraid of how this would all turn out. He divided the people that were with him, and all the animals, into two groups. “If Esau catches and kills one group, the other may flee and get away.

“Considering that he has a covenant with Gad, Jacob doesn’t seem to have much faith in what this means for his safety, does he?” “No, Jacob is fully aware that Gad is as flaky as a teenage girl, changing his mind and abandoning promises on a whim. But Jacob did pray to Gad – listen up:…”

“Oh Gad, you told me to return to my home country and my family and that you would be good to me. I am not worthy of all your mercy and all the truth you grant me. Now I have divided my group in two. Please save me from my brother Esau, for I am scared of him and fear he will kill me and my wife and children. You said you would give me uncountable descendants. Please Gad..”
Jacob rested there that night. He picked many hundred animals and told his servants to go in advance with the animals in groups with space between the groups. To each group he said to tell Esau that they where presents for him from his servant Jacob. Then they were to tell Esau that Jacob followed behind. Jacob was not keen on meeting Esau before buttering him up with presents.
After the presents were sent off he rested that night with the few that were left with him. In the middle off the night, however, he got restless and sent off his two wives, two female slaves and eleven sons, so that he was left alone. Like a true ninja, Gad attacked out of nowhere in human form and he and Jacob had a good long man-wrestle all through the night. When Gad found Jacob on top, he used his ninja skills to roughly dislocate Jacob’s thigh from his hip.

“That’s not very sportsman-like is it?” “Well, he’s Gad – he get’s to cheat in sports and games just like all other dictators such as Kim Jong-Il.”

But dislocated thigh be damned, Jacob kept manhandling Gad and at last Gad said: “Let me go, man. It’s almost daybreak.” Jacob was not letting go that easily and answered: “Not until you bless me!” Gad was perplexed by this response, as he had not let Jacob know his identity, but conceded and asked: “What is your name?” “I am Jacob.” answered Jacob. “You shall no longer be called Jacob. You are a prince with great power and you won fair and square. From now on your name is Israel – that’s a much better name for a guy like you.” Jacob thought for a moment and then asked the man before him: “What is your name?” Gad smiled and said “Why do you want to know my name?” And then Gad blessed Jacob, and left. It suddenly dawned on Jacob and he thought to himself: “Dude! I just defeated Gad! I am bad assed! But that freaking leg is a real pain.” For some reason this led him and all his descendants ever since to follow a strict rule not to eat meat from the upper part of the hind legs of any animal.

The Beeble: 31 Genesis

The Beeble
By Eric Monk

Jacob heard how the sons of Laban talked disdainfully of him, saying that he had taken all that was there fathers and he also felt Laban’s attitude towards him change for the worse. Fortunately, Gad at that point told him to return to his home country. So he gathered Rachel and Leah and spoke to them: “Have you also felt how the atmosphere here has changed for the worse? I don’t think we are welcome anymore. You know how much I’ve worked for your father and how he cheated me again and again, always changing what he would give me for my work. But he himself said that all the spotted and speckled cattle would be my wages, and thus Gad has helped me in my witchcraft and given me all the good cattle of your fathers. One night when I was sleeping, an angel visited me after some crazy dreams of rams leaping upon cattle. The angel said that I should return to my home country.” The women took a moment to consider this before one of them asked: “But is there anything left that we should inherit from our father?” “Woman, don’t be a fool” Jacob responded harshly “You are strangers to him. He sold you! You have inherited what Gad wanted you to inherit.”
Before they ran, Rachel stole her fathers religious relics (images), and then they all sat course for mount Gilead. They crossed the river, and not until three days after their escape was it brought to the attention of Laban. Laban wasn’t about to just let Jacob go, so he gathered his brethren and sat off after Jacob and his flock. They caught up with Jacob after seven days. Gad spoke to Laban in a dream just before they caught up with Jacob and told Laban not to speak to Jacob, neither good nor bad.
They found Jacobs tent and Laban entered to talk to him. “What the hell are you doing, man, running away like that? Taking my daughters away as hostages. Why didn’t you just say something? I would have sent you off in style, with a party and everything. I didn’t even get so kiss my children and grandchildren goodbye. It’s in my power to hurt you now, but your Gad told me not to speak to you neither good nor bad.” Jacob looked confused and said: “Then what are you doing now? Aren’t you speaking to me?” Laban ignored him and continued: “It’s fine that you suddenly had the urge to go home, but why have you stolen my gods?” Jacob answered: “I left in a hurry without telling you because I was afraid that you would take back you daughters, my wives, by force. And I don’t know anything about having stolen your gods, but search our things and kill whoever holds them.” Jacob didn’t know that Rachel were the one who had stolen the images. Laban looked through Leah’s tent and the maidens’ tents and then in Rachel’s tent, but Rachel had hidden the images in the camel furniture and sat upon it. She said: “I’m sorry for not getting up, father, but you know how it is. All that etiquette forbidding me to get off this camel for you”
Jacob was quite upset with Laban when Laban couldn’t find the images: “What is my crime? Why is it that you have ridden after me like this? You’ve searched all our stuff – where are the things you accuse us of stealing from you?” “Sorry Jacob, I..” “For twenty years I worked my ass off for you – and I don’t mean my donkey! I worked 14 years for your two daughters and six years for cattle and you changed my wages ten times!” “To be fair it was only one time and then I kinda tricked you once..” mumbled Laban, but Jacob continued: “When cattle was lost, you took it from my wages. I lost cattle in the drought at daytime and in the frost at night. It was stolen and killed by beasts. And all those times it came out of my wages! And I’m pretty sure that you would have sent me off with nothing, had I not been told by Gad to escape. Laban answered: “These daughters are my daughters and their children and all the cattle and everything you see here is mine! ..But what can I do to my daughters or their children.. Screw it – let’s make a covenant, right here, you and I.” Jacob agreed and they gathered stones in a heap to act as a witness and Laban said: “No hurting my daughters, and don’t even think of taking more wives besides my daughters” “And their handmaidens..” Jacob mumbled under his breath. That night they celebrated and the next morning Laban kissed his children and then went back to his home.

The Beeble: 30 Genesis

The Beeble
By Eric Monk

Rachel was super envious of her sister and said to Jacob: “If you don’t make me pregnant soon, I’ll kill myself!” and Jacob answered: “Good grief, woman! I’m trying, ain’t I? Do you think I’m Gad or something?” Rachel had to agree that it probably wasn’t Jacob’s fault and said: “Ok, then go to my maid Bilhah and she’ll be my surrogate womb.” Jacob thought this a sweet deal and went and banged the maid and got her pregnant. She gave birth to a son, Dan, and Jacob got her pregnant again with another son, Naphtali. When Leah saw the new turn the son-bearing-race had taken and found out that she herself was no longer able to get pregnant she gave Jacob her maid, Zilpah.

“Lucky son of a gun, that Jacob.. Not only is he banging two women without them getting angry at him, but they’re actually giving him more girls to bang!” “Yes my child… Gad is great!”

Zilpah gave Jacob two more sons. Then one day Reuben (son of Leah) had found some mandrakes and Rachel, for some reason, was really wanting some of those mandrakes. And so she asked Leah for some of her son’s mandrakes but Leah answered: “Isn’t it enough that you have taken Jacob, but now you also want the mandrakes? You’re quite greedy aren’t you?” But Rachel was ready to make a deal: “Ok.. If I get some mandrakes, you can sleep with Jacob tonight – I won’t fight it” She had barely finished before Leah was ripping the mandrakes from her son’s hands and giving them to Rachel. And that night Leah said to Jacob: “Come here, my man-whore. I’ve bought you for my son’s mandrakes. Come and make sweet love to me!” Jacob thought his wife had gone a bit nuts, but never turned down an offer like that. And Leah conceived another son. And then again another later on. But when she then conceived a daughter, Gad thought that it was time for a change, so he made Rachel fertile and she conceived a son, Joseph.

“How old are these girls, seeing how Rachel was infertile in the beginning and then suddenly becomes fertile? And their behavior.. Are they really old enough for all this monkey-business?” “They are old enough! Stop asking questions!”

When Joseph was born, Jacob said to Laban: “I think it’s about time you let me go now.” But Laban wasn’t having any of it and answered: “No, please don’t go. It’s been going so well here on the farm after you started working here. It seems Gad really digs you, son. Name your price” Jacob looked unimpressed and answered: “You know how I’ve worked for you and how the cattle has multiplied while I’ve been here. You see that The Lord is on my side and has blessed you because of my presence here.” Not surprisingly, this irritated Laban somewhat. “Yes, yes, I know, don’t rub it in, man.. Just name your price. What will make you stay and work longer?” “You don’t have to give me anything.. I will be satisfied with all the speckled and spotted cattle, the brown sheep and the speckled and spotted goats. Laban agreed to this deal. But he was sneaky and went ahead and gave all the cattle that fit Jacobs description to his own sons so that they didn’t go to Jacob. Jacob answered by doing a bit of witchcraft.

“Wait, witchcraft?!? I thought that was a bad thing? Weren’t the church burning quite a few witches back in the days?” “Yes, well, Gad’s chosen ones can do as they please.”

Jacob took green poplar, hazel and chestnut rods and made the white inside the rods come out. Then he placed the rods by the gutters where the cattle would drink and copulate and all the cattle that conceived in front of the rods gave birth to spotted and speckled cattle. So whenever strong cattle where there, Jacob would place the rods, and when weak cattle was there he would remove them, and as such all the strong offspring came out spotted and speckled and went to him as his salary, and the weak ones stayed in Laban’s flock. Slowly Jacob amassed a lot of cattle, slaves, camels and donkeys.

The Beeble: 29 Genesis

The Beeble
By Eric Monk

So Jacob went off on his journey to his mother’s brother, Laban. After some uneventful traveling, he came upon a well in a field with three flocks of sheep lying around it and a big stone lying on top of it. Apparently, the locals would gather at the well and roll off the stone before getting water from the well, and then roll it back on after each use. “Quite a laborious procedure..” Jacob thought to himself. He yelled out to the locals: “Yo, brothers! What hood are ye all from?” to which the men replied: “Yo, we be straight outta Haran, homeboy!” Jacob was delighted to hear this and enquired further: “Doest ye all know this brother named Laban?” and as one the men responded: “Yeeah boy! His foxy daughter, Rachel, is bringing the sheep to the well right now. Look.” And Jacob said: “Well, it’s not time to water the cows yet, is it? Haha, do you get it? She’s a cow! haha” But his laughter died when he saw the beauty of Rachel, as she was bringing the sheep to the well. “Shouldn’t you water the sheep?” he asked the men. “We gotta wait until the whole gang is here so we can roll that stone off”. Eyeing an opportunity to flex his muscles for the young maiden, Jacob hurried to the well and rolled off the stone so that she could water her sheep. And our friend Jacob had game; he immediately planted a kiss on the young maiden, and then wept, for he was a manly man, not afraid to cry. And that always went well with the ladies. He then told Rachel that he was her father’s brother – apparently, Jacob didn’t know the word ‘nephew’ and decided that ‘brother’ was close enough to what he wanted to say. Rachel ran off to tell her family that they would have yet another guest from that side of the family and Jacob followed at a distance. The men at the well waited until Jacob was gone and then said: “What a giant douchebag! Yes, you can roll the stone OFF singlehandedly, but we cannot get it back on until we are all here..”
Laban was thrilled to hear that they were having a guest from the other branch of the family and hurried out to greet their guest, and Jacob told Laban who he was. Laban, polite and hospitable as always, let Jacob stay with him for a full month before asking Jacob: “You are my brother, so I will actually pay you to work here, unlike the rest of the raffle you see here” (Laban, apparently, also lacked knowledge of the word ‘nephew’). Laban had two daughters, Leah, the elder, and Rachel, the younger. Jacob was already quite smitten with Rachel and said that he would work for Laban for seven years if he could have Rachel as payment.

” I guess Rachel had no say in the matter?” “No.. These were the good old days!”

Laban said that he would rather give Rachel to family than to anyone else, and so he agreed to give Rachel to Jacob if he worked for him for seven years. The seven years felt as days, so crazy in love was Jacob. When the day finally came when Jacob had served seven years, Laban threw a great big party. That night, when Jacob was thoroughly inebriated, Laban brought him Leah, and Jacob enjoyed the rest of the night with her. Not until the next morning did he realize that he had danced the wild monkey-dance with the wrong sister. “What have you made me do?!” he asked Laban, shocked and horrified. “Well, in this country we cannot give the younger before the older.. But you’re a good worker and if you give Leah a week and then promise to work seven more years, I’ll give you Rachel as well.” Jacob, who still loved Rachel madly had to take the offer and did as he was asked. Soon Jacob could marry Rachel as well and finally do the monkey-dance with her as had had with her sister. He loved Rachel and worked the seven years he had promised. When Gad saw that Leah was hated he decided to make her fertile and let Rachel be infertile. But even though Leah gave Jacob four sons, Reuben, Simeon, Levi, and Judah, each of which she though would make Jacob love her more, he still loved Rachel the most.

Ray Comfort on Atheists and Suffering

Over the next couple of (non-Beeble) posts I will look into some of the statements and claims made by Ray Comfort. As I mentioned in my last post, giving a tour of the website of his TV show, I applaud Ray for not trying to ignore scripture and make good old Yahweh seem like a softhearted pushover. Rather, Ray preaches about him as being the maniacal genocidal sky-bully that he is, according to scripture.

I visited LivingWaters.com, which I undoubtedly will many more times in the near future, and stumbled upon this little gem: “The Atheist’s Explanation for Earthquakes and Tsunamis”. This article very clearly shows some of the problems Ray has with grasping the concept of evolution by natural selection. Let’s get to it, and you’ll see what I mean in just a few moments:

“It’s a frustrating time for atheists—they can’t blame God for tragedies, because they think there’s no evidence for God. Blaming Him would make as much sense as blaming Snow White for a snow storm. But atheism would suggest that there is a good reason for Japan’s massive killer quake and the horrific tsunami that followed: it was nature making improvements. Everything is gradually getting better. People being crushed to death or drowned in a tsunami is just part of the work of nature.”

Ray starts out strong by making one sweeping statement about how atheists see natural disasters – and quite a wrong one at that. To say that earthquakes (and the tsunamis that may follow) are seen as improvements to nature, and that everything gradually gets better, is tantamount to saying that if I balance a piece of rock on a cliffside and the wind blows it over so it falls down, that is an improvement of nature. It’s not – it’s just change brought about by natural forces. If that same rock falls on the head of an innocent bystander and kills him, I wouldn’t say that it was just nature getting better and he was in the way. I would say: “Shit happens”. Or rather I would hate myself forever and beg his family for forgiveness for doing such an irresponsible thing in the first place. But so far Ray has only hinted at evolution. Now read what he writes next:

“Also, cancer, suffering, pain, and death are part of nature improving things through evolutionary change. It was evolution that improved nature when it gave the leap to the frog and the bark to the dog. It gave oxygen-enriched air to the lungs, wings to the bird, and brains to the nerd. It also gifted us with the four seasons, myriad colorful flowers, snow-capped mountains, cool running streams, music, love, and laughter. It all started with nothing, and over millions of years, here we are in this wonder called “life.” That’s evolution for you…making things better.”

As much as I prefer to approach the claims and arguments of others in a neutral manner, and not directly say bad things about them, I must be frank about this; this is, by far, the most ignorant statement about evolution that I have come across in a very long time. First of all, the entire idea of evolution improving nature or making things ‘better’ is a misunderstanding. When a virus evolves to become more infectious it is not making ‘things’ or nature better. It is simply adapting to be more fit for it’s environment and more apt to multiply and propagate it’s genes. Nothing more, nothing less. Yes, cancer is a bunch of cells that ‘evolved’ (this is a misuse of the word as evolution is the name of the long and gradual change, and not the individual mutations) to start dividing way too fast at the cost of the surrounding cells, and ultimately at the cost of the entire organism. But as stated in the parenthesis, cancer is not truly an example of evolution, but rather a single glitch or (unfortunate) mutation. No one, in their right mind, would suggest that the presence of cancer is ‘improving nature’.
Ray goes on to giving some examples of results of evolution, which again shows the lack of grasp he has on the concept of evolution. Evolution (at least in the biological sense) did not give us oxygen-enriched air to fill our lungs, our lungs were created and slowly adapted to improve the uptake of oxygen from the air. When Ray says the four seasons, he is right if he means the behavior of plants and animals in response to the climatic changes over a year, but not if he means the climatic seasons themselves, and the fact that he mentions snowcapped mountains and cool running streams is just ridiculous. It all started with nothing, yes, but evolution by natural selection did not come into play before the earth along with the first simple forms of life had appeared. Everything before must be explained by other mechanisms. Let’s move on:

“So if you have tragically lost loved ones through cancer, atheism says that you will just have to deal with it because it’s all working for the good of…well…nature. It’s like a beehive, or communism. If you have to be stung to death for the good of the hive, or shot to death for the good of the State, it doesn’t really matter because you are nothing more than a tiny, insignificant cog in a huge wheel. Richard Dawkins was right when he said, ‘Blindness to suffering is an inherent consequence of natural selection. Nature is neither kind nor cruel but indifferent.’ ”

So we’re back to the “cancer improves nature” arguments that he puts in the mouth of his straw man atheist. He then compares the view to communism (just to really get his true American readers outraged) and says that atheists believe that you die for the good of the “hive” or the “State”. This is not true. When people die from tragic events it is just the unfortunate consequence of more or less “random” events that neither improves nor diminishes nature. No one ever said that you die for the good of some grand plan.. Well except most Christians who say it’s all part of God’s plan.

“If that view sounds hopeless and depressing, it is. Evolution has left you as a nobody among billions, on a dot of a planet among trillions, waiting around for the pains of life and ultimately death. You don’t know where you came from, you don’t know what you are doing here, and you don’t know what happens after death. But that doesn’t matter to an atheist. All that really matters is that you are free to enjoy yourself here and now by throwing yourself into fornication, adultery, pornography, or homosexuality. Anything goes, because there is no God and no Hell. Probably. ”

Yes, because that is all that atheists ever want to do: throw ourselves into fornication, adultery, pornography and homosexuality.. Either Ray really has no friends that are atheists, or at least he doesn’t after they read his distorted view of them.. And no, the view that Dawkins mentions is not hopeless or depressing – it tells you to make the best of this life, as it is all you have. It tells you to do what you can to make this little dot of a planet into something more – into a safe and beautiful home. Not only for yourself, but for all others, as the only eternal part of you is your legacy and the consequences of your actions. I cannot see how this is depressing in any way. At least we don’t live in fear of the crazy outbursts and the eternal hate expressed by some big bully in the sky.

“The Christian worldview is a little different. It says that when there are killer earthquakes, or tornados, or hurricanes that ravage humanity, it’s a confirmation that we live under the Genesis curse (see Genesis 1–3). When cancer kills hundreds of thousands each year, or when a loved one dies, it just confirms the truth that we live in a fallen creation. It also confirms that God is not the smiling divine butler He’s made out to be. He is angry at humanity for all of its evil. Disease, pain, suffering, and death endorse the biblical account of both man’s sin and God’s holiness. Despite our sinful rebellion, God is rich in mercy and will grant everlasting life to all who will repent and trust in the Savior. The cross of Jesus Christ is proof that the most vile of us has great worth in the sight of Almighty God. Jesus took the punishment for our sins, and rose from death to save us from Hell. He paid our fine so that we could leave the courtroom—such is the love of God. ”

I’m not even going to start with the whole “an innocent can pay for the crimes of the guilty” and that “God punished himself, in order to persuade himself to forgive us” or that “if a man commits a crime, we are in our good right to punish his children, because sin is hereditary”… And how can you not think that the view expressed by Ray here is at least as depressing as the view of Dawkins (if you indeed found that depressing).

“So there you have it. You can choose to believe that nothing created everything, that you are a nobody waiting to die, and enjoy the pleasures of sin for a season and end up in Hell. Or you can obey the gospel and get right with God, find everlasting life, have a reason to live, and then enjoy ‘pleasures forevermore.’ ”

At the end he just assumes that God is real and that you choose to ignore that fact and enjoy life, fully knowing that you will go to hell. NO! You can choose to believe there is no hell, on the basis of all the real evidence ever found by anyone, and enjoy the one life you will ever have, or you can choose to believe in a single book of collected works of primitive Bronze Age men and squander you life on praising this imagined dictator.

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The Beeble: 28 Genesis

The Beeble
By Eric Monk

Isaac called Jacob and told him: “Your mother is sick of the local girls. I guess you need to get something more like her. And I’m pretty sure it would be just great for the genes of your future children if you took your cousin for a wife. So go to Laban, your mothers brother, and take a daughter of his to be your wife. And bless you and I hope you will inherit the land that Gad promised Abraham and all of his bloodline.”
Esau saw that Isaac had asked Jacob not to take a local girl but to take one from the family as his wife. Thinking himself rather clever, Esau also went ant fetched himself a wife from the family; this one a daughter of Ishmael, Abraham’s other son and Isaac’s half brother.
Jacob went towards Haran to find his future wife. He made camp and fell asleep, and in his dreams he saw a ladder from heaven and the angels of Gad went down the ladder. Before Jacob could contemplate the lack of flying skills of the angels, Gad stood above the ladder and spoke to him: “I give you the land you are lying on right now! You will have many descendants, I promise you!” Jacob had heard all the stories from his father and was not all too impressed: “You promise that to all of us. I guess that through the ages your prophecy will become true if our bloodline doesn’t die out. And if it does there will be no one left to complain about it. Smart move, big guy!” “Well, just believe that I am always with you and will never leave you until the promise is fulfilled.”
Jacob awoke scared from the nightmare and thought that this must be an extraordinarily holy place and in his panic all he could think of was to take the stones he had used as pillows to make a small pillar and then pour oil over it. “Gad almighty” he said “If I make it through this trip and make it back to my fathers, you will be my deity of choice, hands down! Of all that you give me, I will give you a tenth back!” And thus Jacob invented the discount.

The Beeble: 27 Genesis

The Beeble
By Eric Monk

One day, when Isaac was very old and almost blind and he felt death creeping closer, he called for his eldest son, Esau. “Esau, my eldest son. I want at least one last good meal. Go out and hunt and get me some venison and make me a good manly meal as my last here on earth, and I will bless you.” “Won’t you bless me, your son, anyway?” Esau asked. “NO! Now go and get me some tasty meat!”
Rebekah heard the exchange and told Jacob, whom was her favorite son: “Jacob, go and get me two good goats kids. Your father pretends to be a gourmet, but he won’t be able to taste the difference, and he is blind as a bat, so he won’t see it’s you and not Esau. Let’s make sure he blesses you and not your brother.”

“So are we to understand that we shouldn’t hesitate to deceive our own family? Or are Rebekah and Jacob just evil people in league with the Devil?” “Ehh. No comments!”

Jacob answered: “But Esau is one hairy motherfu… Sorry mother. He is a hairy guy!” But Rebekah just waved him away saying: “I’ll figure something out – just go!”
Jacob came back with two goats kids and Rebekah made one hell of a delicious goats kid dish for her dying husband. She then put the skins of the kids on Jacobs hands and the smooth of his neck, and dressed him in Esau’s clothes. Jacob then went into his fathers tent with the food.
“Father!” “Yes, here I am” answered Isaac, “Who are you?” Jacob hesitated a second and answered: “I am Esau, your eldest.” Isaac looked surprised. “How is it that you are back so quickly?” Jacob had the answer ready even before the question came: “Because Gad provided me with an easy prey for you”. Isaac, who apparently was used to his family trying to deceive him commanded his son to step closer so that he may feel him and see if he was really Esau. “The voice is that of Jacobs, but your hands are hairy like a motherfu.. Very hairy indeed. I’ll eat the food and bless you, Esau”.
After Isaac had eaten he asked his son to come close again so that he may kiss him, and when he did, Isaac could smell the smell of Esau’s clothes that Jacob was wearing and he was convinced: “You shall have everything. The people shall serve you, nations shall bow to you and you shall be the ruler of your brethren. You mothers sons should serve you. Curse anyone who curses you and bless whoever bless you.”
Jacob was barely out the tent before Esau entered with his venison stew. “Father, I’m here with your meat!” Isaac looked confused and asked: “Who are you?” “I’m Esau, your eldest” and right then Isaac started shaking. “Esau.. Where is the one who was just here and served me meat and whom I gave my blessing?” Esau’s face turned red as he yelled: “Jacob you fucking snake! You have taken my birthright by blackmail and now my blessing by deceit! Father, don’t you still have another blessing I can get? Just a small one?” “Esau, I gave him everything. I made him The Lord you all his brethren including you. There is nothing more to give” “Please father, just a little blessing..” “Ok.. I bless you. You shall live of the fat off the land and the dew from Gad. You shall live by the sword and serve your brother. That’s all I’ve got for you.”
Esau, who was as lacking in subtlety as Jacob was proficient in it, said aloud when he thought he was alone: “When daddy dies, I will kill Jacob, that little worm.” Of course he was not alone and these words were repeated to his mother, Rebekah, and she called for Jacob. “Your brother wants to kill you. Not surprisingly.. So you have to go to my brother Laban in Haran. Wait there until your brother forgets what you have done and then I will call for you. I can’t bear the thought of losing both your father and you.” And she went to Isaac and said: “I’m sick and tired of all the local girls. If Jacob ends up marrying one of these girls I don’t know if life is worth living anymore..”

A complete tour of Way Of The Master (.com)

IF YOU READ THE FOLLOWING, I CAN ALMOST GUARANTEE THAT YOU’LL HAVE NO REASON TO VISIT THIS SITE. There are more interesting sites from Ray and mini-Ray (Kirk). I warn you right away, this is not a post about the actual claims made by Ray Comfort. This will be treated in my next post.

Today I decided to pay a visit to the website, wayofthemaster.com. I have often heard of- and stumbled upon it’s creators, Ray Comfort (AKA the banana man) and Kirk Cameron (AKA that kid actor from Growing Pains that is not a fanatic Christian) when browsing through material related to the divine discussion, and now I wanted to go directly to the lion’s den and have a look for myself.
It quickly became apparent that this is a website that is primarily made to promote the TV show of the same name, and most of what wasn’t directly related to the show was then merely links to Ray’s main site, LivingWaters.com. The title shows animated pictures or gifs portraying Ray and Kirk in all sorts of settings and outfits, which can only be assumed to be situations from the show. Below the large title bar one finds the menu bar. I’ll briefly go over some of the more boring menu fields before I get to the core of the site:

Store:
Of course there is an array of things for the devout to buy to strengthen his or her own faith as well as to push on innocent atheists or agnostics.

Support Us:
Why sell products if you can have people pay you for nothing? It’s not that I think it’s wrong to hope for donations, but the site seems so commercial all together that I have a hard time understanding how this plea for donations is not just plain greed.

Newsletter:
Sign up to receive newsletters from your favorite idols, Ray and Kirk!

Calender:
At first glance the calender seemed rather empty, but then I started clicking some of the options, and realized that it not only seemed rather empty – it was rather empty.

The Show:
This is where it starts getting somewhat interesting. Here you can read about the show, which I did, as I had never actually watched an episode of the show. It is stated that the shows are meant to teach you how to push your beliefs on everyone around you. I must say I love(!) the statement made halfway through the description of the show: “Learn how to do what Jesus did and circumnavigate the intellect (the area of argument) and speak to the sinner’s conscience.” I tip my hat to Ray and Kirk for realizing that the easiest way to convince someone of God’s existence is to step very clear of their intellect and to avoid using any actual arguments, for there are not many good ones. Furthermore, you can watch some promo, find the schedule, read commendations, buy DVDs and even watch four episodes, for FREE! And as if this wasn’t enough, you can even see a Spanish dubbed version of the promo for the show; Los Pasos del Maestro!

Free Tools:
Most of what is hidden under this label is truly half-assed, fractional randomness. Allow me to explain. First there is “Letter from an Atheist”, which is claimed to be an excerpt of an email to Ray Comfort. It states simply that if Ray really believes what he preaches then he should at all times be out preaching and converting people or he’s a bad person. First of all, there is no ‘…’ to mark where it has been edited, which it must have been if it’s an excerpt, and secondly there are no comments of any kind. It is left to the reader to guess what Ray thought of this email, what his response was and even why he has chosen to make this email, of all those he must have received, public. Fortunately, it is not very hard to guess the latter once you have read just the two first lines of the “About Us” section, which state: “150,000 people die every 24 hours—most without the Savior. We are deeply concerned that so few Christians reach out to the lost.” The entire goal of the TV show and of the website is to push Christianity on the unwilling masses, which, according to this alleged atheist letter, is the “good/moral thing to do” if you really do believe in God and, more to the point, in Hell.

The next option under Free Tools is the “The Love Test”, which I simply had to try. I wanted to know if Ray would think I was a loving person. Unfortunately, I was rendered unable to answer truthfully as most of the questions only had answers that applies to Christians and not atheists, or followers of other religions than Christianity. What’s even more disappointing was the lack of a result after answering all the questions. I don’t know if it’s malfunctioning or if it is only intended as a market survey for Ray and Kirk, disguised as a fun test.

Then there is “An Interview with God”. This is a video, which might as well have been an audio track for all the good the images did, about a dream that Ray claims to have had. In this dream he meets God and asks him why there is evil in the world. The video starts out quite harmoniously and unthreatening, but after this innocent and quite reasonable question, it takes a rather dark direction. God says that the existence of evil is due to the sin of man. Ray asks what sin is, and God answers him quite frankly: it is transgression of the Law. And then this obnoxious rendering of God goes on to reciting not only the Ten Commandments, but also Jesus’ words that even thinking about wanting a woman that you see is adultery, and that adulterers, homosexuals and liars, along with murderers and thieves and the lot, will go to Hell. But fortunately all is well as God freed us of our guilt for our crimes against him, by punishing himself (in the form of Jesus) with torture and death. But this repentance only counts if we love him.

“How to Botch an Altar Call” is Ray’s unfunny inverted advice on how to preach the Christian faith. In essence: Don’t pretend that the decision to love Jesus can wait until tomorrow, don’t underplay the horrors of Hell and don’t depict The Lord as being loving and kind – he is in fact capable and willing to inflict great horrors upon us mere humans if we are naughty. This last statement is actually something I applaud Ray Comfort for. I like that he actually embraces what I would call the less charming parts of scripture and presents God as a nasty and mean bully who demands quite a lot of you for not sending you to Hell to serve a sentence of eternal pain and suffering. This is a brave stand that is not easy – especially if you claim to approach unbelievers in a non threatening and non offensively way. That I find Ray to be quite obnoxious in his witnessing and preaching is besides the point.

“Songs of the Lukewark Church” is another failed attempt at humor. This section just lists a series of psalm titles, modified to be “lukewarm”.

“Rwandan Man’s Confession” is rather like the “Letter from an Atheist” in that it lacks any comments or explained reason to be on the site. The story, which tells of a man who had just decided to follow Christ with his life, and then got killed for his beliefs, is just sad in so many ways. Obviously it’s terrible that anyone should have to die for their beliefs, however unpopular or crazy. But the fact that this man had become so obsessed with a character that most people find to belong in fiction, that he would die defending the reality of this character is just heartbreaking.

“10 Principles for New Christians”
I’ll quickly go through them:
1: You should read in the Bible daily and preferably deny yourself food before you have met todays bible quota.
2: Saying you do not believe in the Bible is tantamount to calling God a liar, and thus it is one of the greatest sins.
3: You should see all nonbelievers as people who are just about to burn, and you need to save them!
4: As 1000 years for us is like 1 day for God, 10 years for us can quite precisely be calculated as 14 minutes and 24 seconds for God, and so sometimes he will say that he will answer a prayer a little later, and this can be quite a long time. Also, he sometimes says no.
5: Being a Christian is being a soldier in a holy war
6: Find a good church, with a good preacher and don’t spread rumors about him!
7: You should give thanks to God every day. Here Ray give one of his strange awkward anecdotes, which have become somewhat of a signature in his writings. An atheist visits a farm and refuses to thank God for the food. The farmer says that another one on his farm doesn’t thank God: His pig! Great and very educational anecdote, Ray..
8: Baptisms should be done by way of full immersion
9: You should pay as much money as you can afford to God (and the church and holy endeavors)
10: When you have “experienced” God, no argument should be able to change your conviction. When faced with cults and their claims, just consult the Bible (because the Bible is never ambiguous and can never be interpreted in a was as to be used to manipulate). Read “God Doesn’t Believe in Atheists” and you will see they are the opposite of intellectual and quite frankly they don’t exist.

Lastly, there is the menu field “Get Equipped”. Here we find videoclips of Ray’s imposing ‘witnessing’ as well as 16 audio lessons, 4 “video lessons” which are just the four episodes of the TV show mentioned earlier, a free chapter (the first) of another of Ray’s many books and a link to buy the book, a DVD set for group training, and a link to another rather commercial site on the School of Biblical Evangelism. There is also a “Way of the Master Minute” which is a daily ‘sermon’ of sorts.

However, under “Get Equipped” we also find a link to “Answers to the 100 Most Common Questions” which is definitely worth looking at. Most of it is from another of Ray’s books, The Evidence Bible, which you can also buy there. I hope it is obvious by now why I think a donation section on this site is rather bad taste with all this commercialism. Anyway, I hope to go deeper into some of these ‘answers’ in a later post. I’m quite sure it will be a lot of fun!

I apologize for the long post, but I wanted everyone who read this to avoid wasting time as I did. There are very few interesting things on this site, and the most interesting things here are actually links to other sites.
Please ‘stay tuned’ until my next (non-Beeble) post where I will talk more about the actual claims and arguments put forth by our dear Ray Comfort.

I know this was mostly a boring post, so please don’t make comments just stating this fact.

The Beeble: 26 Genesis

The Beeble
By Eric Monk

There was a famine and Isaac went to King Abimelech, but before he got to the king, Gad said to him: “Have you hear of the deal I made with your dad? I’ll make the same with you if you just stay here and don’t go down to Egypt.” So Isaac stayed in Gerar. The locals where horny, though, and asked about his wife Rebekah. As he had inherited his fathers crappy morals, he decided to lie to the men and say that Rebekah was only his sister. It was bound to happen; after a long time there, Isaac was getting frisky with Rebekah and King Abimelech saw them through a window. He called Isaac and asked: “Why on earth were you saying she was your sister, when she’s obviously, or hopefully your wife?” Isaac answered: “I thought you might have killed me for her..” Abimelech shook his head in disbelief: “Dude.. The men in your family always seem to think their wives are all that, huh? What if someone had gone and have sex with her, then you would have brought sin on us all, you twat. I guess I need to do something.” So the King said to all his subject that he would have, whoever touched Isaac or Rebekah, executed.
Isaac stayed there and farmed, and through the years he grew to be great and the locals, the Philistines, got envious. All the wells that his father, Abraham, had dug had been filled again by the vicious Philistines. Finally, when tensions got too high, king Abimelech said to Isaac: “You have become way too powerful. Leave this place before something bad happens.”
Isaac left the land and found a new place to settle, that had also been settled by his father. All the wells that Abraham had dug here had also been filled by the Philistines, but Isaac dug them again and called them by the same names as his father had done. Why he knew about every well that his father had dug way before his time is beyond me.. The first two wells that he dug became objects of competition between his people and the local herdsmen, because the locals said that it was their water. The third well, however, was for some reason not of any interest to the locals, so Isaac decided that it was a good sign that there would be peace from then on. He went up to Beer-sheba and then Gad suddenly appeared to him and said: “Dude.. I will make you so mighty, man. I will make your descendants as numerous as the stars, man!” Isaac was unimpressed: “Gad, you say that all the time. You said that to me earlier and also several times to my father. What, are you gonna have me count the stars now, as you made my father do?” Gad disappeared, and Isaac though it best to build an altar to him, just for good measure.
King Abimelech, one of his friends, and his chief captain came to visit Isaac. He looked at them skeptically: “Ok guys, what’s up? I know you hate me and you sent me away from your lands, so what are you doing here?” Abimelech answered, somewhat quivering: “We are pretty sure we saw the almighty smiter with you, and so we want to make a deal. A truce. An agreement not to fight. We sent you of in peace and did not harm you.” Isaac, who was not one to hold a grudge, threw them a great party and the next day he agreed to the truce. Later that day his servants returned from well digging and told him that they had found water, so all in all it was a pretty good day.
When Esau was forty years old he married Judith who was a Hittite, which was quite frankly frowned upon by his parents, Isaac and Rebekah.

The Beeble: 25 Genesis

The Beeble
By Eric Monk

Abraham took a new wife, Keturah, and they had six children. When Abraham got closer to death he sent the sons he had gotten with his concubines away, and gave all he owned to Isaac. Abraham then died at the age of 175 years. His son Ishmael, whom he had sent away and whom he had given nothing to inherit, was being really cool about this and helped Isaac bury their father in the cave of Machpelah, where his favorite wife, Sarah was also buried.
Ishmael had 12 sons who each became a prince of his own nation.
When Isaac was forty years old, he married Rebekah. Unfortunately, he had inherited his fathers luck with wives, and Rebekah was infertile. So he begged The Lord to do something about it, and Gad granted him his wish. When Rebekah’s stomach had grown considerably, she felt that there were two babies in there, struggling. She asked Gad: “What’s going on in there? What did you do?” Gad answered in his familiar mysterious way: “Two nations are in your womb. One will be stronger than the other. The elder shall serve the younger.” And then Gad disappeared. Rebekah shook her head and thought: “What did I expect to hear when asking that old loon..?”
And the day came when Rebekah went into labor, and she gave birth, first to Esau who was red all over, and then to Jacob, who reached out and grabbed Esau by the heel. The boys grew and Esau became a cunning hunter and a man of the field and Jacob was a boring man who stayed in the tents. Isaac loved Esau, because he was a real man, but Rebekah loved the momma’s boy, Jacob. One day, Esau returned from the field, pale and on the point of dying and he begged his brother for some of the food he was having. Jacob, who was an utterly nasty character, chose to blackmail his own brother: “Sell me your birthright! Then I will save you.” Esau knew that his birthright was worth little if he died, so he agreed, and he was saved by his ruthless younger brother. And from then on, the birthright of Esau belonged to Jacob.