The Beeble
By Eric Monk
Jacob went on his way again, glad to have put all that fuzz with Laban behind him. On his way, he suddenly met Gad’s angels, who were just chilling out next to the road. He waved at them and kept going and decided to call that spot Mahanaim.
“Just like that? No talking with the angels or anything? Isn’t Jacob rather jaded if he can just walk past angels like that?” “Well yes, he is getting used to talking with Gad and his angels. He’s just too cool to care.”
Jacob sent messengers ahead of him to his brother Esau and told them to say as follows: “Your servant, Jacob, have been staying at Laban’s until now. He’s got animals and slaves and sent us to let you know so that you may not be angry with him, but greet him and all his stuff with open arms.” The messengers returned, relieved not to have awoken Esau’s wrath and gotten killed, and told Jacob that Esau was riding out to meet him. Not alone, but with 400 men. Jacob did not like the sound of that at all and was very afraid of how this would all turn out. He divided the people that were with him, and all the animals, into two groups. “If Esau catches and kills one group, the other may flee and get away.
“Considering that he has a covenant with Gad, Jacob doesn’t seem to have much faith in what this means for his safety, does he?” “No, Jacob is fully aware that Gad is as flaky as a teenage girl, changing his mind and abandoning promises on a whim. But Jacob did pray to Gad – listen up:…”
“Oh Gad, you told me to return to my home country and my family and that you would be good to me. I am not worthy of all your mercy and all the truth you grant me. Now I have divided my group in two. Please save me from my brother Esau, for I am scared of him and fear he will kill me and my wife and children. You said you would give me uncountable descendants. Please Gad..”
Jacob rested there that night. He picked many hundred animals and told his servants to go in advance with the animals in groups with space between the groups. To each group he said to tell Esau that they where presents for him from his servant Jacob. Then they were to tell Esau that Jacob followed behind. Jacob was not keen on meeting Esau before buttering him up with presents.
After the presents were sent off he rested that night with the few that were left with him. In the middle off the night, however, he got restless and sent off his two wives, two female slaves and eleven sons, so that he was left alone. Like a true ninja, Gad attacked out of nowhere in human form and he and Jacob had a good long man-wrestle all through the night. When Gad found Jacob on top, he used his ninja skills to roughly dislocate Jacob’s thigh from his hip.
“That’s not very sportsman-like is it?” “Well, he’s Gad – he get’s to cheat in sports and games just like all other dictators such as Kim Jong-Il.”
But dislocated thigh be damned, Jacob kept manhandling Gad and at last Gad said: “Let me go, man. It’s almost daybreak.” Jacob was not letting go that easily and answered: “Not until you bless me!” Gad was perplexed by this response, as he had not let Jacob know his identity, but conceded and asked: “What is your name?” “I am Jacob.” answered Jacob. “You shall no longer be called Jacob. You are a prince with great power and you won fair and square. From now on your name is Israel – that’s a much better name for a guy like you.” Jacob thought for a moment and then asked the man before him: “What is your name?” Gad smiled and said “Why do you want to know my name?” And then Gad blessed Jacob, and left. It suddenly dawned on Jacob and he thought to himself: “Dude! I just defeated Gad! I am bad assed! But that freaking leg is a real pain.” For some reason this led him and all his descendants ever since to follow a strict rule not to eat meat from the upper part of the hind legs of any animal.
No More Bullfeces 